I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
