i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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