He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
