its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
