its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
