We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
