he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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