Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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