right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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