dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
