No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Randomize
