booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You smell like stripper and shame
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
