Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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