fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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