i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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