You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
