Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
