Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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