my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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