I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
