ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
