I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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