Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
