the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
