At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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