I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
