Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
