Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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