Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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