i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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