So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
