Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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