Welp...herpes.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
