I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
