first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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