i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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