the condom got lost in my hair
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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