Umm I'm too high to move.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
