The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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