Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
