Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
