we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
