I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Less talking, more tequila
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
