and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Randomize
