Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
