I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
