I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
