I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
