The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's not a walk of shame if you run
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
