I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I supernannyed him into submission
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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