Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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