I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
