He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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