I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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