Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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