The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
