I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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