she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
