I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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