ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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