So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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