the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
