She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
